When you turn the lights out, it's all the same darkness.

Promise me one thing, when you pick the one you're gonna really be with promise me they are someone who respects you and treats you well.. someone who makes your heart race and someone you love. Because of who they are, not what they do. Use your head and follow your heart.

They say you don't choose who you fall in love with, that it just happens without us really even knowing it.. and up until today I guess I didn't really believe that. I spend so much time pushing people away because it's easier than letting them in.. letting them get close to me. I have my reasons.. I guess I'm a little jaded, but isn't everyone? We spend our lives just trying to get by day to day and then all of a sudden someone comes into your life, unannounced and changes everything. Suddenly you're doing things you never thought you would, saying things that don't sound natural & constantly checking your phone for their text.. what the fuck. Guess that's love right? I guess you could say I'm not loves biggest advocate. I find myself struggling to find a balance that feels comfortable.. some sort of stable ground.. I'm not there, but I'm working on it. I think my biggest reason for not letting people get close to me is that I always end up getting hurt, someone's always letting me down.. so in turn I freeze them out. It's easier than going through the motions. So let me just say this - no matter who it is, where you are, or when it happens, when you turn out the lights it's all the same darkness. Make sure you're with someone who's gonna be there when you wake up..

Should've just called him whiskey.

So 6 beers into this post I forgot what I originally wanted to write about .. Lyrics will have to do for now.

Shoulda just called it like I saw it.
Shoulda just called for help & ran like hell that day.
The burning, the stinging, the high and the heat and the "left-me-wanting-more" feeling when he kissed me.
I shoulda just called him "Whiskey".

Holding out for a hero..

How many moments in life can you point to and say "that's when it all changed?"


What moments define our lives? How can we tell that things are changing? Is it when you finally realize something isn't working out the way you planned? Or when someone walks into or out of your life? We deal with these challenges on a daily basis, but can you point out that significant moment when your world shifted? Was it for better or for worse? Now think about how you got to the point you are at in your life because of these moments.. was it where you thought you would end up? .......


No.


Little moments can alter our lives forever. Whether it be a phone call, a text message, or simply bumping into someone on the street.. these happenings can shift our lives without us even knowing it. Now, I'm a firm believer in the whole "your life is what you make it" matter.. but I also believe that people, even if they are in our lives for a brief amount of time, have the power to alter our lives.. so hold out for the ones who will stick around.. the ones who are worth your time and effort.

Lifetime piling up.

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads of to fortune. But omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries.. on such a full sea are we now afloat.. and we must take the current when it serves or lose the ventures before us.


Given these recent three am blog posts, I'm starting to think I have insomnia. Or maybe this is just the time when I can think with a clear head.. either way, a thought popped into my head while I was in the shower earlier - my birthday. Now I know birthdays are supposed to be fun and exciting, but last year is when it really started to sink in that I am no longer a teenager, and I definitely can't get away with half of what I used to. Ugh. When did growing up become more of a responsibility instead of being fun and getting to do "grown up" things? It's like when your 9 and all you want to do is be 10 because you're no longer a single digit.. or when you turn 13 and you think you're really cool because you're a teenager.. and when you finally turn 16 and get your license (in my case on the second try) and you think you can drive anywhere you want. God I miss those days. I feel like ever since I turned 18 the world has been out to get me. Wasn't that feeling supposed to end with the teenage angst phase? Guess not. But I shouldn't complain, it hasn't been all bad.. in fact, lots of wonderful, miraculous things have happened in my lifetime. But as I was standing under the hot water of my shower, I realized that I have learned a lot in my soon-to-be 21 years of life..

• Don't trade your pink popsicle for the icky orange one.
• Never underestimate your mothers know & will power - she wins every single damn time.
• Pinky promises should never be broken, especially if you bit on it.
• Color outside the lines, then tell your art teacher that even Picasso had to start somewhere.
• Mac & cheese tastes just as good at 2 am as it does at 6 pm.
• Pulling an "all nighter" in high school is never the same as your first real all nighter working on a college psych paper.
• It's okay to still check your closet & under your bed for monsters, even at 20.
• Never listen to country music when you're already depressed.
• Don't facebook or twitter stalk him - it just makes things worse.
• Your best friends really can help you through anything.
• Chances are the friends you had in high school aren't in your life now.
• Sing in the shower or along with your radio in the car.
• When a guy says he's a "good guy" don't trust it til it's proven.
• Don't waste your money on lingerie, chances are he'll never see it or it'll come off 5 minutes later anyway.
• Secrets don't make friends.
• No matter how many times your request a song at vice, the dj will not play it. Even with the 4 smiley faces you drew on the request card.
• Never, ever listen to someone when they tell you to "chug that beer"
• Keg stands are never a good idea either.
• If a bar rat asks for your number, make one up.
• Don't wear new heels downtown. They'll end up ruined & your feet will be in hell for at least 2 days.
• If he's not texting/calling you - he legitimately doesn't care, neither should you.
• You don't need to take a gazillion pictures to create memories.
• Your bucket list is never ending, stop trying to write it all down and do it.
• When someone says the cops are coming to break up the party you're at, you better get a head start.
• Don't buy that expensive coat you want now, but know you will only wear once. Your wallet will regret it.
• Always over think getting a tattoo. It won't be cute when you're 80 years old.
• Visit your parents/grandparents every chance you get.
• It's okay cry in front of people, chances are they'll do it too eventually.
• If he can't love you in sweatpants and his ratty old t-shirt, he's probably not worth it.
• Change your mind often.
• Driving your car to clear your head is a good thing.
• High school classes/tests are NOT the same as the ones in college. Don't let them fool you.
• Never take that "one more shot" before you leave for the bar.

So basically I could go on and on for another two hours, but seeing as I have to be a responsible "adult" and get up for work in the morning, I had to shorten it a little. Life comes at you fast, and I really didn't fully understand that until now. People always tell me, "oh you're young, your life is just beginning" - okay, yeah that may be true but I feel like it's just going to go all down hill from here. Who knows, maybe 21 will surprise me.

You can't take back what we never had..

Now usually I have some witty one tree hill quote to start out my posts.. but I don't have much for you tonight. I have about 36 drafts I attempted to post on here over the summer.. most were too confusing to decipher, considering I spent half my summer drunk.. others were just, well, no one needs to read those. I feel like here lately I'm learning that things, guys, drama, shit just isn't as important as it used to be. Maybe it was morgantown, maybe I just lost sight of who I wanted to be.. but not living there, and getting back to fairmont has made me realize and appreciate things more. Don't get me wrong, I'm moving back next semester but it's nice for the time being. I know I'll wake up later and regret this post, like some of my previous ones, but nights I can't fall asleep I stay awake thinking about everything.. like why is everyone either getting engaged or having babies? I mean that's fine, but what happened to the days when we wanted to be more, princesses and super heroes? It's hard to be a grown up when you're still growing up.. I couldn't wait to be grown up, and now the only thing I want to do is watch cartoons on saturdays and believe that everything will be okay. I'm sure Innocent by Taylor Swift is the best song to describe this. When you lay awake and really start thinking about things, shit starts messing with your head.. I feel like some memories always find a way of creeping up on me, that's the hardest part. It always gets worse when I drink.. it's like all your emotions are magnified ten times and that has a way of biting me in the ass. This is the point where I just need to stop trying.. I'm tired of putting my cards out there and people not playing fair, it's like high school all over again.


I'm done rambling, goodnight. or morning.


Most listened to on my playlist this week:
Address in the stars - Caitlin & Will
Marvins Room - Drake
You don't know her like i do - Brantley Gilbert
Too damn young - Luke Bryan

All that you can't leave behind.

I don't have any quotes to start off this post, unlike all of my others. I guess it's partly because I'm too tired to look up a OTH quote I haven't used yet.. speaking of One Tree Hill, I'm currently five minutes from it. Okay, well in real life Tree Hill, North Carolina doesn't actually exist - it's really called Wilmington, North Carolina. Wilmington is more famously known for it's gorgeous beaches and it's battle ship, the U.S.S North Carolina.. my family and I made a brief visit to the ship four years ago while on vacation. It was okay, if you're into that sort of thing.. I however, was more interested in a familiar little river court located right beside it.. the famous Tree Hill river court. Now, if you are familiar with the series, then you know exactly what I am talking about.. if you don't, Google it now. I guess you could say I'm slightly obsessed with the series.. but I honestly can't help it. I think I like the idea of completely losing myself in the show itself, relating with its characters (at least my high school life), and forgetting about what's going on in my life for awhile. Anyway, the point of this ramble is that I actually get to go back this week while I'm here, I promise there will be lots of pictures.


The next part of this sleepy ramble is completely unrelated to the above paragraph..


So being on vacation, I swore to myself I would not make a blog post until after I got back - but almost four days of complete relaxation, and a few beers can really make you think. I've come to the conclusion that I am completely done trying to make other people happy, I suppose you could say I try to go out of my way for others. Now usually I don't mind this, but when you give 110% and you're only getting back 5% - not even 10, things start getting a little tired.. at least I am. Maybe it's all the sun going to my head, or that I'm so tired I can't see straight, but I'm done. Done, done, done, done, done. From now on, you can just do your own thing, and I will do mine. Go on about your day, and life, like you normally would.. just minus me from the equation. It's said the average person tells four lies a day - now I'm not too sure where they got this information, but I'm sure if they surveyed you, that number would have been much, much higher. How can you differentiate whats true and false anymore? I can't keep up, so kudos to you if you can. Don't count on me to be your fallback option either, I don't have enough patience, and I'm way too clumsy anyway.


Things to do if you're an insomniac and still awake, or just bored:
letterstocrushes.com - cute, sad, and funny letters.


Some of my all time favorite OTH scenes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja7r4eFadRk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kCxXDpSvZ0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-_wGn-qAbQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKhTfFSTdZo&feature=related

I forgot to remember to forget.

My mind forgets to remind me that you're a bad idea.


Why do we love the things that hurt us the most? Fast food, alcohol, high heels, and most importantly - relationships? We all do it, whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. I know I have a horrific track record of letting people in, and back in again when they screw up. I always promise that "this will be the last time", but then it ends up being the last sixteenth time later. Honestly, I don't know why I do it. Maybe I like the adrenaline rush I get from them? Maybe I just like the feeling of winning someone over? Whatever it is, it seriously needs to stop. In the end, we all get let down, end up frustrated and wasting our time. There's a lot of things I will never understand, one of which will be why people say they are going to do something then end up not going through with it? It won't hurt my feelings if you tell me no, I promise. I only get mad if you tell me you're going to do something and then don't. Another thing I will never understand is why people feel the need to lie about EVERYTHING.. is your life really that big of a secret? Jesus. People need to start being honest with each other. I mean I know we're all a little jaded, but come on. I guess what this all boils down to is honesty, self-respect, and knowing who is beneficial to your life. Late, life spring cleaning starts now. On another, somewhat similar note, I will never understand why girls think it's okay to sell themselves short? Why throw yourself at a guy? That's not sexy, that's just being plain out slutty. You don't always need someone to make yourself feel alright, and if you do, you need to get a grip on reality. No respectable guy will EVER respect you if you're the drunk girl at the party trying to sleep with everyone. It all comes down to the Audrey Hepburn's and the Ke$ha's. Time to decide which side you're on..


I guess the best song to describe my mood right now would be No Good by Kate Voegele. Listen to it here.


- Chandler